Letter to Christian – Finding Peace in Norway
I have completely removed myself from society for 7 nights. I am a firm believer we are just ants in this huge world having been to so many places by now. I feel extremely small and insignificant. I do not think it will matter to anyone that I have done this. Taking the steps for this to occur and arriving have made me think of you. Several reasons. Despite there being 4G coverage I am going offline for a week. I would keep remembering the last time this happened you were still in my life. It used to happen on a regular basis. I didn’t revel in this situation because we were in love and crazy about each other. But I had a job and it wasn’t too generous with communication with the outside world. I remember that I would grab every possible opportunity I had to “connect” in order to talk to you. Even when there was no Wi-Fi or phone restrictions were enforced I would be sending you e-mails through the work system. The other time this happened we were together. We were traveling through South Africa and had retreated to the Kruger Wildtuin for a few days. We had hired a car, purchased enough food and were together. It didn’t matter that we were not connected with the rest of the world. We were together so not alone.
Today I am completely alone – By choice. I have one book I am sure I will finish by tomorrow. I will catch up on lost sleep. I will cook for myself with groceries I managed to get here without a vehicle. It was a huge struggle but I managed. I will not get to shower for the next 7 days. I have to use a waterless toilet in the outhouse. But I am happy. I am at peace. I am surrounded by a bed of moss. Downhill is the beach. Uphill is the rainforest. No-one comes here. I have finally given myself the time and space that I needed a long time ago to heal.
You already know that I have been in very dark periods of my life. There is so much that has happened and no one can heal me. I have to do it myself. I want to experience that feeling of joy again in my life the day I said I do to you. Or just picking you up from the airport. Or every night when I felt asleep in your arms. It has been so long and sure I am over you but I will constantly think about you. Bit strange I guess but when we were together that was the last time I felt alive. I have died inside since. I may still be here. I can even travel through all these countries. But I feel like a robot. I am there but I am not happy. It is something I am working on.
Recently we had rebuilt a relationship but it has disappeared again. I worry about you so don’t hesitate to send me a message every now and then about how you are. You always know how I am and we both know why this is…