What is being a nomad like?
I can’t pin the point I can tell you where I did not feel like I no longer have a home. Maybe it was when I moved everything from Perth to Brisbane. Maybe earlier. Since I was 17 I have been in and out of the house I grew up in. Right now it is the closest thing that feels like home to me. Everything I have ever used to create a home for myself is in boxes. My mum has allowed me to store my things in a container on their property. This means I have one less expense – Storage.
The day may come again when I will want somewhere again that I get to call my home then I don’t want to have to buy everything again. But that day will not be any day soon. I have been itching to be somewhere new again. Learn about their history. To go to sleep in one country today and wake up in a new one tomorrow. I would not say that this is what makes me happy. But it gives me purpose. It gives me a reason to live.
Last year I was completely miserable. There were very few people who actually cared about me. I could count them on one hand and I don’t think it would be an open fist even then. My mum said to me yesterday that everyone has their own lives and maybe you should reach out too. But I have. I just can’t deal with anymore rejection. Changed plans, disappointment. I have no room left in my life for this. As far as I am concerned every single time I have been home I feel they were aware. Why not send me a message to ask “hey when are you free?” Why was this always up to me. I am the only one to ever come here to visit. So few friends would ever come to visit me. Over the years it would get even less.
I am writing this because if you weren’t aware that once I nearly killed myself. If it was not for divine intervention where I only walked away with a sprained ankle I would have thrown myself of a balcony and who knows what other injuries I would have sustained. I have never shared this openly. This is the first time. Over the years there has been countless times where I would think about taking my life. Maybe I never tried again since because of this one fateful night that things turned out differently.
Over the years I battled so hard to keep going, to be happy. I think I even became a professional at fooling others and myself that I was happy until I could no longer go on and pretend. Instead I just hid away and existed. Had no reason to live. Today I have been travelling. My true friends are happy for me and I know who they are. But I can sense the resentment towards me from others because they can’t do what I am doing. This came with sacrifice. I have zero stability. I have zero constant connection. I don’t have a home. You have a home, you have a family and you have friends.
I am out chasing a reason to live. I am trying to raise awareness about mental health. I think before I try to convince others to ask others whether they are ok? I should tell you that I was not well and no one asked me if I was ok? Hardly any one checked up on me. This is by no means having a dig at my family because they are busy but I moved 5000 km to be closer to them but even for the year I was only 40 km away they could not help me. I had to help myself. This is what I am doing now.
The next time you want to cast judgement on someone else and what they are doing with their life, look below the surface there is more to what they choose to share with you. I am sharing this because it is about time I am being honest with myself and others.
Lastly if you are currently experiencing these feelings I have shared please contact me and I will do my best that I can to help you. No one in this world should feel alone and like they have no one to reach out to.