A new year and a new me
Ok I am still me not new but a year ago my identity was different. I had a job. I could say I was in the Navy and I was a sailor. Today whilst travelling and visiting different family members I am unemployed. Often I will meet someone new and every time that question will come “So what do you do in Australia?” and then I will just say what I used to do. Somehow saying I am unemployed does not suffice. It is like I do not want that look of judgement that I do not match up to what is expected of society.
So who am I now? I am not the depression and anxiety I suffer from. I am not unemployed. I do not know who I am yet but I know I love my family infinitely.I know I care about people I have never met or do not even know about. I know I want to matter and to make a positive difference in this world of so much greed, evil and self-importance.
I have to learn to accept me for who I am. To be happy, strive to live healthy. Daily exercise my body and mind for personal self development. I do not know if I will ever be able to answer the question of who I am. But this is the year I want to live. I do not want to lock myself away like I did last year. The past few years I slept so much of my life away because I felt more alive in my dreams. That is not living. You just need to walk outside to open your eyes to see the beauty this world has to offer. To watch the interaction between a mother and a child that can bring a smile to your face. You need to pause and listen to the birds outside and the music they make for you to enjoy. To stop at sunset and watch the painting the world has painted for that day over the clouds. One day when my parents are no longer here every sunset will remind me of them and their love for the beauty. It will remind me of the beautiful pictures my dad has painted where he tries to replicate beautiful sunsets he has witnessed.
I had this picture hanging up in my living room painted by my father Barrie Marais.
I have always been close to my parents. We have had our difficulties in the past but they are the foundation my life is built on. I don’t think a day goes by that we do not communicate. I can so easily speak for hours a day with my parents about absolutely everything. I don’t think they will ever understand me but they love me nonetheless. I am their daughter and regardless of my past and flaws they will love me eternally.
Once I thought I had it all figured out. Now I know absolutely nothing. I was married to the man I thought I would spend my entire life with. I have never been able to find someone I loved as much since. I don’t know if I ever will again. But it is not what I seek now. Once I desired the white picket fence, a family and to work 9 till 5. I am at that age now where all my friends have already had kids or are planning on starting a family. They all have a house. I have zero desire to own a house. I see travelling the world as a better investment. I am still trying to work out where this is coming from but it must be since 6 months ago I was in hospital with three blood clots on my lungs. I did not feel any different. I laughed and joked about it at the time and remained in good spirits whilst my family all had solemn faces when they visited me in hospital. I still can’t feel or process the severity of this but it has definitely changed me and instead I am not about acquiring wealth for the future. It is about the now. What experiences can I acquire now. Who can I make happy today. For the past month this has been my grandmother. Shortly after I was in hospital I booked flights to South Africa. Come high or low water I was going to be there. I am here today.
This time with my Ouma is so special. She has so much love for me and there is no way she would believe anything bad about me. She has so little to give but she will give me everything. When I go home I will return with the jewelry she still has. It means so much to me. These items have been in the family for generations and out of everyone she wants me to have everything that belonged to her and her grandparents. Not my sisters or my mum. I am her first born granddaughter and I have her name. There is absolutely nothing evil about my grandmother. Everything she does is for someone else. I am so grateful that I have had this time with her. One day I will regret that I did not call her more. Or write letters to her. I am someone who brings her joy and I don’t think I can ever do enough. Despite this enduring love it still does not help me work out who I am. I have to go out there and work this out for myself.